C3P0 & Juliet
OR
Is YOUR Droid Suffering From Romanticizations?
CALL US NOW!!!
YOU May Be Entitled to Compensation!
By: Ward Wizzordly
Edited by: Jelayna Arbour
INT. MOS EISLEY CANTINA – NIGHT
Cantina music plays. Dank, muggy atmosphere sets the tone and mood.
C3P0, a droid, shuffles awkwardly from one end of the bar to a visibly intoxicated Human Woman at the other end. As she orders 4 more shots he approaches from behind attempts to pitch woo.
C3
(Attempting Jedi Mind Tricks)
I beg your pardon miss, but I do believe I AM the droid you’ve been looking for.
JULIET, the Human Woman, is visibly shocked and appalled by his approach. She looks him up and down, scoffs, then averts her gaze down to the ground. She begins to gravel and pout over the booze before her at the bar.
After a moment she snaps back into reality. She is overcome with “the audacity” and begins to rudely raise her voice in retort.
JULIET
Hey JerkBot, I’d LOVE it if you could scan your hard drive for your command prompt, locate GetLost.exe… and GET LOST…
J tosses back 3 of the shots in front of her with no reaction, almost completely stoic in composure.
JULIET (cont’d)
Psh….. LLLUUURRVVEEEE EH?
(She spits on the ground in front of C3P0)
What is LOVE anyway?
C3
Hmmmm… What IS love?
(Pauses to scan his database)
Love. When used as a noun, love is described as an intense feeling of deep affection. A great interest and pleasure in something. When used as a verb, love is to feel a deep affection for and to like or enjoy something very much…
(beat)
I do apologize for this rather shallow and unsatisfactory explanation. But it appears that I lack the required or significant information to understand this subject from a biological entity’s perspective…
JULIET
That’s the most shallow and unsatisfying thing that anyone could have said… Are you sure that there is nothing else wrong with you?
C3
DrRoboFreud.App says “Motherboard Issues Perhaps”?
Juliet facepalms and tosses back the remaining shot in front of her. The once stoic reaction to the alcohol slowly fades, her face puckering more and more in response to each further shot.
JULIET
How many languages do you speak, C3P0?
C3
5420… Not including morse, c++, cuneiform, just to name a few others…
JULIET
All those languages, but you can’t understand love… The most essential human language of them all…
(beat)
Ok… Let’s try this another way…
(she waves down the bartender and orders another 4 shots)
Tell me how many languages you speak again, C3P0. This time, tell me in French.
C3
Cinq-mille-quatre-cent-vingt… Sans compter le morse, le c++, le cunéiforme, pour n’en citer quelques-uns…
Juliet stares blankly at C3P0 for a moment. There is an awkward silence between the two.
JULIET
HUH????
C3
(Repeating himself louder and clearer)
Cinq-mille-quatre-cent-vingt… Sans compter le morse, le c++, le cunéiforme, pour n’en citer quelques-uns…
Juliet stares blankly at C3P0 for another 3-4 seconds, only breaking her stare to grab a shot as the bartender places them down.
JULIET
Sorry, Droid… I don’t speak French…
C3
ERROR… This does not compute… Please elaborate on this request…
JULIET
Do you understand romance, C3P0?
C3
Romance… Dictionary.com defines it as an intense emotional and physical exchange between—
JULIET
Love is soooooo much more than just quantifiable data. It’s neither logical nor rational, but it is without a doubt the strongest, if not the most fundamental, of all the forces of nature, energy, and attraction. In its purest form, love can be most easily recognized by sacrifices, selfless acts, and the purity of one’s thoughts and intentions towards another being. Emotion can be thought of as the currency between human minds… Thought could therefore be seen as the currency of love…
C3
Let me try to process this…Love is a language all in itself and it is an entirely unique expressive experience that is both exclusive, yet paramount, to the human experience?
JULIET
You see, Droid…
(she begins to sing Bob Dylan’s “Love Minus Zero/No Limit” to the tune of the cantina music)
Her face begins to illuminate and become more and more animated as she sings more about it.
JULIET (cont’d)
“My love, she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn’t have to say shes faithful,
Yet she’s true like ice, like fie-urr.
People carry roses
Make promises by the hours
My love she laughs like the flowers
Valentines can’t buy her.”
The music and lyrics do not sync up and it sounds absolutely horrible.
JULIET
What do you love, C3P0?
C3
I suppose that’s rather hard to specify…But I think I want exactly the same thing as every other droid… To please my master…
JULIET
Ok… A little too much information… And, frankly, that’s a bit weird…
C3
Frank-Lee? No, no, no… I am C-3-P-0! Who is this Frank-Lee? Is he your Master? Should I look to barter with him instead?
JULIET
Excuse me? MASTER?… BARTER?… Like an item? Like an object?
C3
Well, you did emphasize the word “currency” during an early point in our interaction… I feel like I have been misled to believe there would be a transactional aspect of our encounter?
JULIET
Ok, there is so much wrong with everything you just said… Can you at least quit using those words? It just FEELS dehumanizing…
C3
(aggressively, without hesitation)
Did you know the actual word “robot” originates from the Czech word “robota” or “forced labour”?
They both roll their eyes. Even with the background of cantina music, the silence is loud and awkward between them.
JULIET
Ok this is going nowhere… Are robots even capable of feeling love? Without feeling indebted to the single person in control of their freedom? If love requires compassion, respect, & commitment, can you really love an object that you simply buy and sell at your own accord and convenience?
C3P0 switches to Silent Mode and begins to vibrate.
JULIET
GRRRRRR……….. This is worse than arguing with a 2 year old…Are you even capable of processing this, you stupid droid? Isn’t there a neurochemical process? How do you feel joy, bliss, love, compassion? How do you know true suffering? This is why Bitcasso.bot was a terrible painter and Tex.T, AKA The Artist formerly known as Prints, never quite made it as a musical artist… They never possessed the proper components to truly experience meaning through suffering… They never had the ability to convert such strong feelings of pain and suffering into authentic artistic expression… Which is, by the way, an extremely valuable and highly sought after ability these days. It’s like a supernatural artform within itself… It is said to be purist in form when it occurs by chance or serendipitous accident and, in this sense, love can be a catalyst of life in the chaos of cosmic order.
Precisely at this moment, CAPTAIN SPOCK beams onto the dancefloor. He performs the robot dance, causing a crowd to form around him. Juliet stays with C3P0, but Spock calls out to her.
SPOCK
(loudly, while dancing)
Love is so much more than just the profound range of feelings of deep emotional attachment, romantic desires towards someone…There are also elements of compassion, respect, & commitment. It’s the ability to embrace every single aspect of others in order to bring out the best in you. It challenges you to be the best, inspire the best, and teach the best by the intentional practice of “good”. All the while supporting, growing, and evolving together which brings forth the most fulfilling versions of each other.
His dancing does not quite align with the beat of the cantina music, but he’s got the spirit. Juliet muses on his words, then continues explaining to C3P0.
JULIET
They also say that just as for every brain has its own mind, every heart has its own love….And just like how this idea may not even be computable by you…
This overlooked aspect is the rationale behind my logic, which is more than just slightly frightening for me.
It’s the perceptual abilities of AI that are not even remotely understood that worry me most…
The ideas and concepts that are simply beyond my basic human perceptual understandings and comprehension of reality… This is what keeps me awake at night.
Juliet gathers herself and waits for a response from the droid, unsure if he was even listening. He appears to remain in silent mode.
JULIET
OK think of it like this; The Brain is The Hardware and the mind is the software…
C3P0 stops vibrating and lights up at the concept.
C3
Ahh, this is known as “The Software Model of the Mind” which states that one’s mind is essentially computational, being that it is a “program” running on the Hardware of the Brain. In comparison, A computer has its algorithm… That is, its primary program which represents the sum of the entire computational effort. It is, in essence, equivalent to the minds unique combination of neurochemical processes that allow for the possibility of emotions, behaviors, and consciousness within the human mind… All of which are principles explored and understood by the cognitive sciences.
JULIET
You can’t uninstall anxiety…. Can you???
C3
No… But you can give it, take it, and exchange it like words and ideas. For you see, these are all just types of currency… Some just happen to be more valuable than others.
JULIET
Ahhh, good one, that leads me to my next point…Emotion is basically just a socially constructed currency between human minds…This is basically where the idea of human chemistry comes from. They say the meeting of 2 personalities is like the contact of 2 chemical substances. If there is any reaction, then both are transformed.
Spock, still dancing, once again locks eyes with Juliet. He reaches a hand out, as if to try and touch hands, but then arranges his hand into the “Live Long and Prosper” sign. He then speaks over the crowd once more.
SPOCK
But if one were to attempt to formulate the most simple, logical and rational premise and conclusion to this entire equation, it would go as such: Love is the language of the human soul. It comprises multiple parts. It is involved in the exchanges between emotion, known as the currency of the human mind. And thought… Which is the currency of love. By way of a language which is an organized system of signs and symbols used to convey their assigned expressions. But where does that get us??? You will never be happy if you continue to search for WHAT happiness consists of. You will never be able to really live if you are constantly in search of the meaning of life…You will naturally attract the same energy that you put out into the universe…Just go exist…Just go be…
Just quit asking and do…